Mediocrity

After months of going to the gym, I was in the best shape of my life. I lost a lot of fat and gained a lot of muscle. Every day, I couldn't wait to get to the gym. Sometimes, I would spend several hours every day. A lot of it had to do with stress in my life at the time, then once I started to look better it became about my vanity. After vanity, it became strength. I wanted to push myself to be better.

Then there was this guy. He came into the gym just as much as I did. He lifted twice as much and was completely ripped. People would gather around him and ask him for advice about lifting. It was discouraging to say the least because no matter how hard I pushed myself I could never be that guy.

I love playing guitar. For awhile I thought I was pretty good too. I convinced myself that although there were great guitarists out there who are better than me, I really didn't know them. I was the best in my small group of friends. Then I meet this guy in college who had been playing for a year which was half the time that I had been playing. He was absolutely phenomenal. Everybody knew that he was the best guitarist they knew. I was crushed.

Last night a bunch of guys got together to talk. We all started to mull over some deep theological thoughts and experiences. It was a great time, but somehow I walked away with feelings of inadequacy. These inadequacies were in dealing with my lack of knowledge of God.

It is mediocrity that scares the hell out of me. I don't want to be lukewarm. What often ends up happening to me though is that by not wanting to be mediocre, it turns into ambition which turns into pride. I am too proud to be mediocre and average. I was not meant for middle-management. I was meant to do great things and for people to look to me.

Pride is ugly.

I desperately desire a deep and meaningful relationship with my creator. I want to know him and I want to be near to his voice and follow his spirit. The Rabbi that called me to follow him called me from my mediocrity. I was chosen to follow not because I am great, but because the Rabbi I follow wants the humble, the down trodden, sick, broken, and yes even mediocre. Sometimes I think that because I was chosen, I am great which inevitably leads to pride.

The disciples were mediocre, and yet Jesus wanted them. How beautiful to know that God wants those who are forgotten about. I am not comparing myself to the disciples because that would be an overstatement.

I sat on this blog for a day so that I could revisit it when my attitude was better. Here is the truth. Whenever I take my eyes off of Jesus and begin to look to myself, I will always start to fall. I think about Peter who was able to walk on the water when his focus was on Jesus, but when he looked around he felt his own inadequacy and began to sink. This is true that yesterday I was looking to myself. I took my eyes off of Jesus and the power he has in bringing people together. Not because of me, but because of him.

How about the Jews? If ever there was an ordinary group of people, the Jews were them. Something I have been learning lately about my Jesus is that he loves scandal. I have been reading in Luke and I love the fact that here you have a group of people who were ordinary or living lives of mediocrity. All of a sudden angels appear to people and tell them that the Messiah is on His way. It is scandalous. It is scandalous that a King is a tiny little baby and he is born in a barn where the smell of animal shit was overpowering. It is scandalous that the Messiah defied the religious order and stated crazy teachings like the turning the other cheek and making the least of these the greatest. It is scandalous that God, perfect in every way, was crucified. As Ignatius points out, the nails shouldn't have worked. It is scandalous that the Risen Christ first appeared to an ordinary mediocre woman.

Scandalous