Chasing Static

I knew that things weren't right pretty early on. There was this urge that can only be described as the inner part of my soul. I could never quite describe it, thinking that either it was the devil at times or an angel. Sounds crazy, I know. It wasn't that it was audible. This urge was like this static from an AM radio turned to a very low volume and gradually becoming louder. Like an AM radio, I could hear something coming through the static and I knew that it was the voice of God. I would spend years trying to hone in on the signal. I would gradually turn the dial this way or that to get a clearer signal and know Him. There were times when I detested this feeling, thinking that I could fake it and make myself like everyone else that claimed they heard Him. I tried to become…safe, secure, and caulis to the world and enter a state of blissful peace knowing that I would be in heaven one day. The other alternative I tried, which was to walk away from faith altogether and turn off the radio completely. I was able to bring a pretty good defense as to the reason for walking away, making statements and building a philosophical basis for a creating God who was devoid of relationship. The problem was that it didn't fix the urge or quiet the sound of His calling that was deep in my soul. The sound became louder and more static driven. I was becoming miserable and tired.

I finally decided to wait. I decided that if God wanted me to hear His voice I needed to wait for his voice to become clear and that he would need to do the adjusting. It was at that moment that the signal became like a high definition frequency. It was like the sound of a symphony orchestra with the metallic brass, the gentle woodwinds, and the light airy strings. It was a song that begged its participants to dance in its melody and to enjoy the reverie of God. It was a groaning for redemption from the creator God that was beyond my own "Personal" conversion and beyond panhandling for Jesus.